The World's Sexiest 3D Printer?

I try to live as ethical a life as possible. Whilst morals tend to be constant from society to society: don’t kill, don’t rape, don’t steal — ethics vary, both with geography and time. I’m about to break some of my own ethics. Right now I’m damned turned on. I don’t usually share such details. But I am SO frisky about the new Rapide One 3D printer. Let’s have a look at just what is getting me so hot and bothered…

Curves of any kind have never really been of importance to me, beauty is more in what we do, even more in who we be, than conforming to ideal child birthing 0.7 hip ratios, ubiquity of correlation to natures ratio of beauty or looking like Dita Von Teese in Michael Schmidt and Francis Bitonti’s 3D printed dress.

3D Printed Dress Dita Von Teese Michael-Schmidt Francis-Bitonti
Pure Beauty: The Rapide One 3D printer

Is the Rapide One more beautiful than Dita Von Teese in that 3D printed dress? You’ll need to see it to answer this of course, but (unless you just skip ahead and be damned with my sex talk) I’m going to draw it out until the end to tease you.

It’s almost-vertical opening door looks like something from Back To The Future. Reportedly 10,000 people admired the design of this diva at an event in Singapore. They probably then coupled up, crowdfunded to hire a whole hotel chain for a night and consumated witnessing the sexiest technological product seen on Earth since The Form 1 graced Kickstarter. What am I saying? That I prefer the looks of the Rapide One to even the Form 1.

No, no, tell them the Form 1 looks better, then I can have all of the Rapide One’s to myself in a harem. Hush, don’t tell them though.

There’s a good reason for the enclosed space enabled by the door: temperature regulation for the optimisation of 3D print output. Whilst ‘3D print fail’ is a term that has entered popular culture, it’s far cooler to be warmer and just get your 3D print output how you wanted it. Wordplay aside it’s even more about consistency of temperature during the deposition process, where the extruded material reaches its end state because of cooling. An obvious desired outcome, unless of course you are aiming to innovate new sex toy shapes by randomising your output through the unpredictability of a bit of a draught.

The ‘not a cube’ design is a revolution in itself. It seems that there are now hundreds of cube-shaped 3D printers. Yes, that includes a number also named ‘Cube.’ This however is clearly not just about looking a bit different. It’s a very well designed unit. Carefully considered in every aspect. It even looks like it goes faster. An arrow thrusting into the future, telling you that the output is coming, it may take a while so you can savour the experience, but it’s utterly confident about getting there. I’m just going to have a bit of a moment staring starry-eyed at the pictures of it again.

Rapide One 3D Printer
Pure Beauty: Dita Von Teese in Michael-Schmidt and Francis-Bitonti’s 3D printed dress

Ahh. That’s better. It’s already like a compulsion. I know that it’s just another 3D printer really: an average cubed build area dimensions of about 6 inches, FFF technology, a resolution of 100 microns, build speed that produces 30 mm of height per hour, and like many things in the world now, made in China — but another part of me feels that it is The One. It can do no wrong, just because of how it looks.

I don’t even know for sure if it’s going to treat me right in the long run, after all, it’s not going to be able to get to my country before the first batch is released in January 2014, but already I’m looking at presents for it: 3D printable jewellery, 3D printable housewares, maybe even 3D printable engagement rings.

But then, ethicality crumbles. I said this article would test my moral metal. I’ve been tempted into deception. The tease was not about waiting for the images of the diva that is sexier than Dita, it’s about the image of another Rapide 3D printer, her sister.

If the Form One is beauty, the Rapide One is an irresistible diva. If the Rapide One is an irresistible diva, then the Rapide S is the best sex you ever had. No, this is looking into your newborn baby’s eyes for the very first time. No, no, this is the feeling of the sun gently breathing its warmth upon your face at sunrise in an untouched valley of pristine paradise that even the paintings of Turner could not attempt to portray as no more suffering of any kind will touch you in your eternal immortal bliss.

I’ve gone too far right?

I’m just getting you excited then it’s just going to be like everything else in a culture of constant marketing and advertising where everything tells you it was made just to make you happy, and that happiness will last forever — just to find out that the damn syncronisation feature doesn’t work and the battery life is no better than the last version?

No, I don’t think I have gone too far.

In fact, you may never hear from me again, I’m going to start swimming to China now as I can’t afford the travel so I’m just going to have to get there by performing the greatest feat of human endurance ever known. That poly-Olympiad swim will be worth it in every way however, as I get to lay in silence beside this new 3D printer under a starry sky on far away shores as the world drifts into hazy memory and only she and I remain.

Taking a look at her thinking that I’m merely under the delusions of love?

How dare you insult my wife!

Rapide S 3D Printer
My Wife.

More on the Rapide S soon…

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