Brushing your teeth is the pits! It takes almost a whole three minutes and you have to painstakingly rub the bristles over each individual tooth until every single one is clean, right? Wrong! Now, with the Blizzident all mouth toothbrush that looks like a muppet, you can shove a prickly creature into your mouth to clean every tooth all at once!
Surely it wasn’t the designers’ intent to make the Blizzident look like a muppet, but, in order to achieve the effect of brushing all of your mouth at once, it’s hard not to make something that looks like a muppet. See, the Blizzident is a 3D-printed replica of the inside of your mouth affixed to 400 bristles pointing in every crazy direction so that, when you chomp your chompers down on it and grind them around, you have effectively brushed every tooth in your mouth. It’s not exactly “every crazy direction”; the bristles are pointed at 45 degree angles to your teeth and to your gums. And, with an altered version of the “Modified Bass” brushing technique – biting and grinding – and “Fones” method – the up and down circular brushing your dentist tells you to do – the Blizzident scrubs your entire mouth clean. If you need further clarity, watch a simulation of the Blizzident in action:
You can also weave floss in and out of the Blizzident apparatus and attach a tongue scrubber in order to disinfect your microbe-filled orifice even more efficiently.
I know, I know. It seems a bit far-fetched to picture yourself brushing your teeth in this way. That’s because, ever since you were a kid, you’ve been using your standard, stick-brush and it’s hard to picture any real innovation to the technology, other than motorizing the thing. But that was before 3D printing! If your dentist is savvy enough, you can get a 3D scan of your kisser, have the .stl sent to Blizzident, and they’ll print you a toothbrush, made from biocompatible materials that is custom-tailored to your own mouth. As one of the designers of Blizzident, informed us, “It always cleans 100% in just 6 seconds (whereas electric toothbrushes only clean up to 70%).”
I, personally, think this idea is awesome and not just because it looks so funny in the diagrams (the actual Blizzident doesn’t look as cartoony as it does in the CAD drawings). Growing up, I always had countless cavities and, no matter how many times my dentist tried to explain the Fones brushing technique to my feeble child brain, I couldn’t seem to stop them from forming. I have at least two forming as we speak! My last dentist, who also sees my parents and brother, told me that “weak teeth” just happen to run in the family. So, now, when I floss and use mouthwash every day and use an electric toothbrush, so as to mechanically induce the Fones method, I still get cavities.
Really, I would try anything to make brushing my teeth a more effective process, even if it does mean using a mouth puppet. The only thing is that it costs $299 for your first Blizzident and, what with the economic collapse and horrible health insurance system in the US, I probably couldn’t afford the $159 replacement Blizzident that I would need if I replaced it yearly, as per the company’s suggestion. Welp, if it doesn’t work out, I can probably just let my teeth fall out and get some 3D printed dentures, tailored to my mouth.